please tv, no more poker

that's it. i'm officially sick of watching poker on television. i love playing poker, and talking about poker, and even watching it live, but the terrible commentary, the cheesy human interest angles and the endless commercials of tv broadcasts have to stop!

poker telecasts aren't even the biggest problem; regular tv shows are ten times worse. not only does every sitcom/drama/porno (the three true legitimate genres of watchable tv) have a poker episode, but they always always always get it wrong. the most recent example was last week's episode of Lost. Jack, who I already hate for being the king of the island, sees Sawyer, Hurley and Kate playing a game of poker, and decides to butt in. We're supposed to get the impression that he is a very skilled player, as he can immediately tell what each player is holding (he's apparently good because he spent time in Phuket?!). Then when playing Sawyer, he beats him, but to prove who is more skilled, Sawyer wants to play one more hand. One more hand?? Wouldn't that prove who was luckier? They're also betting arbitrary amounts, like 'see your three mangoes, raise a bottle of polysporin.' WHAT?? In the end, instead of having Sawyer bluff and get called by Jack, they have Jack bluff with a very bad hand, and Sawyer call with NOTHING! Now even a non poker player knows that the aim of a bluff is to get someone off of their hand, so you can't 'bluff' someone that already put everything in. Also, Jack says "I'm all in." What does that mean? Four more mangoes and his tennis shoes?

Arg...I need to cool off. And Lost needs to start getting better, and fast!

bed sores: the mark of a true fan

if it wasn't for sports, there would be absolutely no reason to wake up on sundays. i'm pretty good through the week when it comes to living an actual life and avoiding mutation due to television radiation, but sundays are for sports saturation and new episodes of the sopranos and that alone! this sunday had the season's first IRL race, two elite eight basketball games, the player's championship, a nascar race at bristol, and a montreal canadiens game. it was hard, but with two remotes, some tricky cable splicing, a makeshift feeding tube and a bottle for urine, i managed to watch uninterrupted sports coverage for a solid 7 hours.

it was one of those days in sports where everything happened at once, from two stories of underdogs pulling through, to a racing tragedy. the tragedy was the death of Paul Dana, a rookie IRL driver that was killed in a two-car accident during a pre-race practice session. from the interviews i saw a few years ago when he was in the infiniti series, he seemed like a very fun, interesting guy. Dana took the long road to professional indy car racing. he earned a journalism degree and began covering races ten years ago. he then took a job in canada as a mechanic, and worked his way up to crew chief before eventually getting a chance as a driver. he was impressive enough in the infiniti series to earn a spot with rahal/letterman racing in 2005. sports usually provide a sort of escape from reality, where you can forget about any stresses in your life or problems in the real world and join an audience in cheering for something as irrelevant to the big picture as a man hitting a ball with a stick. death always puts the insignificance of sports back into perspective.

the rest of the sports day tried its best to cheer us up. stephen ames, the definition of a multicultural canadian, won The Player's Championship by dominating the top golfers in the world. Ames, whose parents are British and Portuguese, lived most of his life in Trinidad and Tobago, and moved to Calgary with his wife twelve years ago. He was given Canadian citizenship over two years ago, but it was just recently that the networks started putting that little maple leaf beside his name in their graphics. i like him because he has a very self deprecating sense of humour, which is rare in professional athletes. i hope this win will make him as popular as mike weir, but i doubt it. after all, weir is friends with gretzky, and you can never out-cool that in the eyes of any canadian.

in college basketball, George Mason beat a stacked UCONN team to become the first number 11 seed to make the final four in twenty years. cinderella teams rarely make it past the elite eight, so this is especially huge for us losers that cheer exclusively for the underdog. as a sidenote, i'd like to thank the NCAA for its neverending use of alliteration, beginning with Selection Sunday, and moving through March Madness with the Sweet Sixteen, Elite Eight, and Final Four. sports journalism is truly home of the cheese, or Chewy Cheese, as they'd likely call it.

all in all, it was a well rounded day of sports. now if you'll excuse me, i have a urine bottle to empty before the sopranos starts.

what an idea!

i was a kid when i first learned that only a select few major league baseball players were canadian. still, i thought, if they were to be grouped together on one team, they could give the americans a good fight. i carried the idea with me into university, where i actually drew up a hypothetical baseball world cup based on major league rosters. as dull as baseball can be sometimes, the possibility of adding international rivalries to the game for virtually the first time seemed really exciting.

and then to my amazement, Bud "what steroids? who's on steroids? i don't see no freakin steroids!" Selig actually approved such a tournament. the draws were set, with canada unfortunately being stuck in its regional grouping with mexico and the united states. i'd argued constantly with a few students back in korea over which country had the better 9 man baseball squad, and now, hopefully, the world baseball classic could provide an answer.

canada rallied late to beat a very amateur south african team in their first game, and things did not look good. but the following day, they jumped out 8-0 on the US, and hung on for an 8-6 win. to me, that was enough. tournament over. i imagine the koreans felt the same way when they defeated japan 3-2 in the opening round. sadly for canada, that was the end. they lost to mexico 9-1, and lost on run totals in the three way tie for first in their bracket, with the top two (US and mexico) moving on. to be fair, they were only the third best in their division, and the strongest two teams did move on, but baseball should never have such a short round robin.

anyone can beat anyone in a single game. take the kansas city example. they finished dead last in their division, and had i believe 65 wins in 162 games all year. still, they managed to sweep their season series with both the yankees and the dodgers, becoming the first major league baseball team in history to do so. on any given day, a team like canada, for example, can beat a powerhouse like the US. that is what makes baseball exciting, but it's also what makes the early round of this tournament too dangerous from a marketing point of view. had canada lost 2-1 to mexico, the united states would have been eliminated three days into a two week tournament.

but enough about that. back to the thrilling run of the korean team. straining the minds of sports commentators everywhere, korea started their 'three Lee' outfield for the game against japan, with another Lee on first base, two Kims pinch hitting, and a Choi throwing pitches to Cho. "Cho calls low and inside, Choi delivers. fly ball to right centre, Lee signals fair catch, but Lee calls him off. throw back to Lee on first." it's like an asian Abbott and Costello sketch.

this korean team really is impressive, but i get the feeling that the baffling, soccer-esque format of the tournament will derail them. They've gone 6-0 to advance to the semis, while the US or japan will get in with a 3-3 record, and has a very real chance of beating the korean in a one game semi to reach the finals.

baseball purists will be rooting for a dominican/US final. political pundits will be cheering for cuba to make the finals against the US, at which point Castro will likely declare himself the starting left fielder. haha...left field. oh that was funny. ahem. i will be going for korea, not just because they're the underdog, but to give some relevance to the qualifying system and generate worldwide interest in the final, so that maybe if i'm lucky, there will be another baseball classic in four years. and we'll get to see stubby clapp run the bases again. oh canada!

if that's not a robot...

there i was, casually watching SportsCentre like I do most evenings when to my surprise, evidence for my longstanding, often criticized conspiracy theory was wheeled before me. my belief, for those unfamiliar with my teachings, is that all cheerleaders are robots. plain and simple. some are hotbots, to be certain, but all are run by circuits and computer chips. in simpler times, they were controlled by a system of levers and pulleys, which moved their metallic frames in a manner pleasing to the unsuspecting audience. now, with continued technological advancement, we have more complex cheer routines, and even male cheerbots are being brought into the market.

the evidence i speak of came from a southern illinois basketball game, where a tiny little cheerbot was thrown high into the air, only to come crashing down hard on the back of her head. there was an unsettling silence in the arena, as most realized that a fall of that sort was enough to kill most people...most people.

not only was the cheerleader alright, but after being secured to a stretcher, she performed a full out routine using just her arms while medics (or mechanics disguised as medics) carted her off the floor. it was surreal. clearly a robot. think of how idiotic a person would have to be to disregard a paramedic's orders to remain motionless (until x-rays and other tests were performed to ensure there was no serious damage) simply to try and motivate her team with creepy 'hey look i'm strapped to a plank, how silly' arm motions. also remember that the team was in the locker room at this time.

some say this act showed true school spirit and a strong will, but i can come to just one conclusion - damaged circuits leading to a tiny little cheerbot getting stuck in an endless loop.


desperately seeking converts,

getupkid

you're my boy, blue

hey all!

...though at this point 'all' likely refers to myself and a small lebanese child desperately searching for delicious internet cookies. not sure why my mind wandered specifically to lebanese, or chose that terrible joke to begin a new blog, but as they say in german: 'ze backspace button iz broken.'

this is my sports brain, laid bare for anyone to pick apart and critique. i have far too many rants concerning sports clogging up otherwise good conversations, so in a desperate attempt to hang onto my few remaining friends, i am banishing my sports knowledge to an easily referenced blogspace.

to illustrate my problem, the following is a list of sports i enjoy watching, or will watch/discuss when there is nothing else to do:

nfl football
college football
arena football
canadian football
nhl hockey
mlb baseball
college football
nba basketball
college basketball
f1 racing
champ car racing
nascar racing
horse racing
two cats chasing a mouse around in a bucket
pretty much any form of racing
boxing
boxing movies, as in raging bull, cinderella man, rocky, etc
foxy boxing
foxy boxing movies, as in million dollar baby, girl fight, etc
old school wrestling (as in hulk hogan fighting the ultimate warrior...or blue fighting two girls in ky jelly)
poker
golf
tennis
track
curling
rugby
and finally, soccer.

so barring all of those sports going on strike, and having their pasts erased from my memory, i should always have something to write about.




-getupkid